1. Weston-super-Mare exists.
Earth-shattering, I know. But for reasons that defy sense, I was unaware that miles of soft sandy beach with convenient beach-side parking and a large boardwalk/entertainment pier existed a mere sixty-minute drive from my home.
2. Miles of beach, but no … water?
How is this even possible.
Soft sand, plenty of room for games of volleyball, kite flying, castle building, picnics on the beach. But no waves. Where? Where is the water? This is not low tide. This is … all there is. I think?
3. Rip-off ‘edutainment’.
Just like back home. But the kids won’t care that you’ve essentially paid fifty dollars to visit toilets off the sand, because as you cruise through Seaquarium, you will hear the most excited child-squeeeeeeeee ever released on the planet: “MOMMY!! ALL THE NEMOS!”
4. The Grand Pier.
Really? Okay. Seems like an over-reach, but I suppose it has a sort of future sci-fi Dune kind of look to it from here. That’s cool. I’ll point out that while it sounds nice to enjoy boardwalk fish and chips sitting high above the sand (again — where is the water???), it is not so awesome when you are forced to breathe in the evidence of Britain’s smoking problem. Stop smoking, people. No joke.
5. Seagulls are evil.
Like the look of these fresh hot doughnuts? Just pulled out of the fryer filled with who-knows-what misbegotten oils and made with hideous gluten and covered in crack-cocaine sugar? We did, too, until a seagull FLEW DOWN FROM THE SKY AND ATTACKED ME. Took a doughnut right out of my hand as I was putting it in my mouth. Not an exaggeration. People around me screamed. My own children ran away from me.
Not that I blame them. I’ve noted the evilness of seagulls before. Today they were perhaps the agents of the paleo gods, since I didn’t get more than a bite before the attack.
So, to sum up all this fabulous learnin’: Weston-super-Mare is worth a visit if you like hanging out on the beach but aren’t particularly bothered about going in the, you know, water. Bring lots of sand toys, and more money than you expect — to spend on random entertainment, seagull-proof gloves, and extra doughnuts. If you have a warm sunny day in England and an uncomplicated summer day to fill, it’ll be a win.