One more time

27 Apr

[Following is an entry from my journal, written earlier this month while in flight from London to the US:]

What is it worth, that “one more time”?  The final time, the time that is never enough?

When I left my mother in Idaho last summer, and flew home-not-home to England, I thought I knew and accepted that it might be the final leave-taking.  We spent a week dancing around goodbye, filling our time with normalcy and unspoken words and hugs.  She was fighting terminal cancer, and I thought I had admitted that reality.  I thought I was coming to grips with the distance to come between us, further by far than Idaho to England.  The finality.

But here I am, eight months later, ten thousand feet in the air, throwing myself into a mad dash back to her, seeking that one more time.  One more smile, one more warm hand clasp, one more look of recognition on her face to store in my heart and memory.

My mother is dying, and one more time is the most precious thing in the world.

[This week, my mother passed away.  I don’t know what else to say.  Rest in peace, Marie Cecile.]  

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25 Responses to “One more time”

  1. ljdaman April 27, 2013 at 7:21 pm #

    Monique, what a beautifully written post. So glad you got that “one more time” with her last month though it could never possibly be enough. So sorry for your loss.

    • Monique May 20, 2013 at 1:52 pm #

      Thank you so much for your support, here in bloggy world and irl. Hugs.

  2. Zazamataz April 28, 2013 at 12:05 am #

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I often wonder whether either of my brothers will come here for that one last visit and what it will mean for them if they do. I can’t imagine not having the chance to say goodbye if it’s possible, and I’m glad you had that chance, both last summer and recently. It is not something you can replace.

    • Monique May 20, 2013 at 1:51 pm #

      Yes, that is so exactly true. I hope both your brothers will take their chance while they still have it. I was motivated by so many things this past year, but one was to try to think ahead and not leave myself with regret for not taking my chance to see or speak with my mother while I still could. There’s no recapturing that moment when it’s gone. Hugs to you, Zazzy.

  3. Jenny April 28, 2013 at 12:22 am #

    What a lovely tribute. So sorry for your loss.

  4. RMW April 28, 2013 at 5:08 am #

    Beautiful post.

  5. stitch this April 28, 2013 at 6:08 am #

    You said it all. Take care.

  6. Brittney April 28, 2013 at 8:31 pm #

    Beautiful and heartbreaking. Hope you are finding ways to grieve and process your loss “here” we while your family and friends are “there.” Thinking of you.

    • Monique May 20, 2013 at 1:40 pm #

      Thank you, Brittney. I’m so so grateful I could go back to visit while she was alive, and again to celebrate her life with family and friends after she passed.

  7. Anonymous April 30, 2013 at 12:54 am #

    Your memories are precious and I hope that gives you some peace.
    Nandini

  8. Rebecca Forbes April 30, 2013 at 11:01 pm #

    Time and memories ease sadness a little. Life is so bittersweet, isn’t it? Death, too, if we allow it.

  9. aubreyepp May 1, 2013 at 8:08 am #

    This is lovely and devastating at the same time. Much love to you, Monique.

    • Monique May 20, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

      Thank you, Aubrey. Hugs.

  10. Michelle | The American Resident May 3, 2013 at 7:04 am #

    Oh. I have tears in my eyes. This is something I really, really relate to. I am pleased you were able to go back. I have no words other than that I’m thinking of you. This was a beautiful post. Your mother was fortunate to have a daughter who loved her so much.

    • Monique May 20, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

      Thank you, Michelle. Much appreciated.

  11. Beakers846 May 3, 2013 at 4:47 pm #

    Your post just made me cry! I also lost my father, last year, to lung cancer. I can still remember the exact moment I saw him for the last time when we had to fly back to England. It is such a tough situation to be so far away at times like these. Big hugs to you and your family, from our family. And thank goodness for the memories =)

    • Monique May 20, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

      What a horrible club to be in, expats with parents lost to lung cancer while we were away. Yes, thank goodness for memories. And for our beautiful children, to share them with. Hugs.

  12. Daily Presents/Cadigan Creative May 13, 2013 at 3:12 pm #

    Love you. Tears. And hugs. And thinking of you this Mother’s Day. I am glad you shared your feelings in writing. Feeling them with you and for you.

    • Monique May 20, 2013 at 1:34 pm #

      Thank you, Lisa. Hugs back.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Wind Through the Keyhole | Crumpets in Camelot - March 24, 2014

    […] the passing of the winter forces me to realize that almost a year has passed since my mother died.  I don’t … understand how that is possible.  In my mind, there is no distance […]

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